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I went to Leeds castle with tim for their christmas/gingerbread house theme. It was a pleasant afternoon, not too cold which is the main thing for me when being out in winter time!


I have really really pushed myself to be in the spirit of christmas. Moreso this year than any other. Mostly because of how unwell i was and still its hovering that i decided if i can try and get into it, enjoy it it will leave potential open next year to look forward to something again and try and build upon that.
So tim and i have been really busy getting decorations and trying to make the house really christmassy. I have enjoyed it despite things and if im up to it i want to try and progress to the garden :-0


My auntie sam came round one afternoon and we just did a few hours of chat, hot chocolate and mince pie being amongst the festive decks. It was a nice afternoon and i borrowed marks cat magic for extra chat reasons lol
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ok then after my birthday we had a bit of halloween ... you can tell im being very detailed here lol

I was slightly better than i was but still struggling badly. But i was still trying hard to push on with things i used to like if i could manage them. It was a shame i couldnt concentrate to type entries but im here typing a bit now and im happy to be somewhat back as that means im somewhat now able!

Most of the pictures i put at facebook it was just easier to do that than try and catch up with everything i knew was passing by...

a few halloween pics

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I have typed up some entries then felt too unwell that I ended up just saving them half complete. Then time passes. Gah. This is just a short entry to say I have been around. I have been reading friends. Ive only commented on bits and pieces here and there partly because for example if time has passed I can feel a little guilty making a comment on a post that may have been upsetting for the friend or they were down, or things were not going too well and then they have moved on to other entries and topics and if im a bit too late and comment I feel like im dragging a friend back there lol. In some ways a silly way to think but aswell some friends can maybe see my thinking. But I do do most of a catch up even if I don't comment on some entries and that's my reason above :-)
I don't have many friends here so can easily do my scrolling back when I haven't been here for a while and its something I look forward to aswell as want to know how life for you has been going. I have to keep up with my dear friends here as theirs no way im going to lose my connection of you even if im struggling right now to show im here in entries of my own.

Im yet to document my birthday post.. though my head is fried and im thinking did I do that already? lol maybe it was just at facebook I did that! And I haven't as such written personally to friends my thank yous! forgive me! but hopefully you know im so grateful. My weeks have been horrendous and when I had cards come through and some packages from lovely friends I feel close to it can make a lot of difference. I look at my cards and read words on repeat at times! When your so down and going through an extra rough time birthdays and Christmases can be a bit dodgey on the emotions because IF there was a surprise of no card from a friend who usually does that can kind of tip you over the edge lol but that has not happened to me so far with the friends I feel close in heart and mind with. Phew. lol

I guess its that feeling of im not alone even though it feels so alone. Friends can be so far away but make a way of showing they are close. I have recently cried in the arms of an uncle and aunt where I have felt I cant hang on for much longer of my sanity or physical health and il document that and other things when I am more able.

I am meant to have Sonia coming to stay over Tuesday night and she will be going back to London on the Wednesday afternoon. And hopefully im having a friend called jo come to visit me on the Thursday afternoon. I really don't feel well but I have to do this. I have to change some cycle somehow and if it means they see me such a mess then so be it.

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I purchased this book the other day 'Love and Misadventure' by lang leav, because I saw two drawn pictures that caught my eye and I really liked the front cover. I ordered it from online so when I got it I thought it a shame that the picture I liked was across the spine of the book, I felt that a shame really. I also thought there would be more pictures that hadn't been shown but there wasn't, grr lol.

The book is a collection of little poetic words. Whilst im not all that much into poetry as such I did like the melancholy and whimsy aspect of this one.







Initially I thought the book was naff But... then it grew on me and I quite like it now. It also inspired me to jot down three more little poetic words myself as one day I hope to have a book even if I self publish it as people do. Even if my book may not be all that good it will be nice enough to me and maybe close friends will have one just because they knew me, who knows! lol

I have about 15 poems or short words right now but I know I need a good artist to help make the words and book far far better. I think artwork can do so much in picture form to help a book look good. I have one picture that a lovely friend of mine drew and that was the petals frail flower face girl and I want more in that type of style to add to some of my words. I think the main picture in this book is aswell the style I want. I don't know how I go about finding a good artist to help me. I want my lil book to be somewhat melancholy but whimsy.

The thing aswell is im not great with grammar. I cant say I know much about poetry either! But I do think sometimes my rhyming type words are 'something' and 'special'. I guess we all think that when we create something ourselves to an extent. But I really would like some of the poems/songs/words put in a book oneday with some beautiful drawn pictures to help bring the words out.

This was another reason I got this book just to help inspire me with more thoughts and words. And I came up with as I say, three after I read it.

The other thing is I really wouldn't want to make a fool of myself would I and one day do this little book and my poems/songs are terrible really as I know love can be blind LOL. Im not sure any friends would be really honest with me and help me to say 'that one is ok, that one is good, that one is awful love!' lol but I really would need the honesty to help me not make a fool of myself. So would anyone be brave enough to say they are all crappy love! or yeah that one has potential etc? lol

As I say im also well aware im not great with grammar and I have not a clue about poetry really. To me I prefer the rhyming ones! haha but I know its more complex than that. But mine will be just how I write really but obviously I do need some structure! lol

My dream really would be to have a proper book of my life done for all manner of reasons but I cant see that happening sigh. So this little project would be my next best thing.
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Sonia showed me around her place in Slovakia with some photos. Doing each room. I said I would do the same here in return. But at the moment I ended up not really doing it but just taking mostly pics from me in the bath and the cat there as usual.

I guess I will get on with the 'around the house' pics in time but for now some snaps lol

Magic cat is often sitting on my lap and I have to type around her


Nope your not having a sip of water from the glass!


Eyes closed for my modesty and then she looks and laughs her paws off! ;-*


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Disabled comments as il write a different entry later.

Documented from my entry at facebook because its significant to keep.

Last night I was opening a lovely surprise from a friend. Words of friendship and a lovely sentiment behind a picture sent to me. The contrast couldn't have been more different between that lovely surprise and the shocking surprise of finding my dads life had ended two years ago to the very timing.
Whilst I was opening something so lovely last night, 2 years previous I was finding something so shockingly horrible.
Ironically I was sitting in a pub as I opened my envelope... but no dad pubs aren't really my thing even if they were yours! lol And whilst you may have been opening a packet of fags I feel I was opening something much more healthier! hey!

Two years hasn't felt like two years, im still undecided whether they feel like more or less. Some things kind of freeze in time in their way. You cross my thoughts all the time for the good and the not so and I guess that is the realism of life and human feelings. I wish you was around. But my life hasn't got easier or better so I can see you saying 'il stay where I am then too much stress!' lol

Thinking of you dad. xx

And thank you to the very few but quality friends that help my life, without you present within it doesn't bear thinking about really.
Thank you Arwen for your lovely sentiment sent. I too will look at this picture and think of us for sure xx

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Thank you friends x Birthday 41...

A delayed 41st Birthday entry...

Arwen gave to me a pretty compact mirror which came in a pretty envelope. Its nice to be given something feminine as surely I must be seen that way! well il tell myself that!! lol


Magic cat came along just as I was taking photos so I took the opportunity to get a little arty :-)






Katy sent to me some impulse body spray, a magent to put on the fridge of whatever photo id choose and a welsh teatowel because that's where she is. I thought this a lovely idea as is useful and represents her :-) Her note made me smile also because where she thinks of me when a towel drops from my past mentioning how I often think ffs everytime it drops to the floor when I try to hang one, I then also think of her thinking of me! lol


Here is Kerrys package and I texted her up in spain as that's where she was at the time and told her im not 40 as her birthday card stated but im 41! LOL Funny also as its the same card mark got me last year and then got me again when it was tore up in row and possibly got me again! so it seems this card keeps coming to me for one reason and another! lol I must of had it at least 3 times haha. Im reading the book she sent to me and it is an interesting read and one of which I will probably get for another friend or two myself.


I really liked my cards I thought they were pretty and well chosen for my taste. I sometimes think about why a certain friend chose the card they did for me so when I think its nice I tell myself I must be liked for them to choose that one for me lol. Sentimental soppy me!


So thanks Maria, Katy, Monique, Diane, Dale, Tim, Mark, Kerry, Robert and Arwen for the lovely cards. And crap... thanks trace for your card too even though ive just noticed i didnt photograph it, thought there was someone missing! lol oopss it was a pretty one too! xx And katy, Arwen, mark, tim and Kerry for the thoughtful gifts.

Mark got me some pjs, a book and some bits and bobs. Tim got me a pretty top. My mum got me an electric toothbrush, a bag and some other bits and bobs.

On the day tim just took me for a drive around the coast. I was in a very bad way with worry and still am and so was/am not up to doing much at all until I have my tests done. But as always my true friends helped/help to see me along. So thank you so very much xx
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Soo the Izaak Walton hotel where I had stayed a few years ago basically ran off with my deposit! So it doesn't look like I will be going there this summer afterall. I had only found out about them closing when looking at tripadvisor on the internet! But it wasn't triop advisor that was saying it, it was some customer that had turned up to find noone there!
Mark on my behalf has spoke to the tourist information down that way and they were aware of this going on with that hotel but couldn't really offer up any help on the matter.
They took my deposit im sure obviously knowing they were going under and was going to run. Bloody charming!
I don't exactly know 'what they stole' its either £50, £100 or £200. Il try and get around to looking at my past statements when I can! Its such a shame as this was in a beautiful location and it was that hotel and location why I booked to take mum and tim.
The izzak Walton where we were meant to be, sigh.


I have now booked alternate places. So spent out more than I expected, sigh but after my dads death I really did want to do something with mum and tim that was of a memory. Nothing too big as mum and I are both too anxious really but we have rare memories of any holidays and so wanted to do something.
I cant predict how my anxiety is going to be in the summer as its a few months away but the more I was leaving things the more places were getting booked out.

In the end I have done one stay at a travellodge. One night at a B&B that overlooks a lake in the town of Buxton. And a B&B that is just five minutes away from where we were going to be near the Izaak Walton. I kind of felt like getting a picnic and sitting on their garden to take in the views and then if anyone came along to remove us I could bark "ive paid a deposit here and so im getting SOME of my monies worth!" lol. I don't feel that id be trespassing as I have paid money! and more than what it would cost to sit on their grass for an hour! lol But I wont bother but still doesn't mean I don't have those thoughts! lol

Here is the B&B we will be staying in instead.


And here is the other B&B we will stay in


Wel be going to Chatsworth house as ive been there before so think mum and tim should like it. Aswell as walking amongst the monkeys which ive done before and hope they like that also. Id like to visit trentham gardens and the towns of buxton and a couple of other little things. It wont be a big holiday but a little something for memories. Just hope I get there in the first place and then hope it turns out nice.
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Facemask frighteners

who goes there?

Hey magic hows it going?




Yeah. Maaagiiic!


I look ok. Bit bald and white but..


You cannot be serious?!

Look at me magic!

With one eye!? And flip my tail over my head for a fringe to hide? EEEeeek!

AAaaw I look like a lady casper magic...?

Take it away, cant bear it!

ok one last boo though with my face mask! :-)


Quaking in my paws! brrrr. Night nite wont let my bed bugs bite....I hope...